I was talking to a bunch of guys about love who I met online like not even a week ago,

and this is what I wrote...

Me:

Love is rediculous. And...Humans scientifically were not meant to love. But I think Humans spiritually were made to love. And the human spirit is greater than all of science.

MAN THAT WAS QUOTABLE

I've got the smarts sometimes

 

Brandon

hehe

 

Me

Anyone else agree that love makes no sense

I mean

you set yourself for heartbreak over and over for that ONE chance at love

true love I mean

and most people never find it

but we put ourselves on the chopping block to find it

And we sacrifice so much for it

We become foolish

and blind to all reason

left to look back and ask what the fuck happened

and why you did what you did

and then we do it again

and again

and again.

For that

one

little

chance

at true love...."



Do you all agree? I mean, I know that girls do this...Do most guys? Not a lot of them, I bet. 

 

And this is another convo I had with another guy

 

"

Oh yeah

I believe that if you have to change

or change the other person

you aren't in love with them

you're in love with who you want them to be

and you should look for the person who IS that person by just being them"

 

 

I think I am begining to understand this love thing...or at least learn about what NOT to do. And what to look for.

I wrote this on my tumblr

It was SUPOSED to only be two lines- "I smell like you and now I'm sad"
But I got carried away in writing the blog, and I feel like this is something that should be read.

"

I smell like you

And now I’m sad.
I actually feel like I’m about to cry.
Not because I feel broken
But because I feel like something is missing.
I miss you
A lot
and I want to spend forever in your arms.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I wished that I didn’t have to go home
Not only today
but every
single
time I am with you.
I swear
I can’t get enough
I really
really
REALLY
can’t.
It’s been an hour.
One itty bitty hour
Out of the seven I spent with you today
And I still miss you.
I could honestly say that I want you to be the first and last thing I see every day
I want you to be the one I go to when I am crying
or even when I’m just looking for a smile.
I couldn’t ask for more than just more time with you.
And we can all guess by now that I want to spend forever with you.
But what scares me is that forever will seem too short with you.
Because the hours melt into mear seconds when I’m even NEAR you.
But I would be willing to spend what feels like days with you if it meant that I would love no one else.
And you would love only me.
And what is even better
Is that I know you feel the same.
I love you.
And no matter what happens to us
You will always have a piece of my heart
if not all of it.
But for now
I just want to spend as much time with you as I can.
Because you make me happy
Down to the deepest parts of my being
You
Make me
…
Feel something I could never explain
I can’t put this into words
and so instead of saying this to you
I will shorten it to
“I love you”

http://andramonster.tumblr.com/

As you know, I have not admitted that I want to spend forever with Alex.

But today he asked me how long he saw us being together. I was shocked and replied with "I don't know. I can't tell the future". He continued this for quite some time which leads me to believe he wants to be with me forever.

Now keep that in mind as I tell you something related.

I've been trying to help people with their problems because it makes me feel better about myself when I know I have made a positive difference. Now, this is the conversation my friend Sean and I had with our friend, Andre' over facebook-

Andre'
I wish their were girls who could judge a man for how he is, not how he looks...But I guess that's never going to happen...:/ not feeling good :(

Sean It can happen man just need to look for her 

Andra They are rare, but I could gladly say I'm one, so they are out there.

Sean  And she is one

Andre' See sean there are people out there, and yes I know you are one Andra thats what i like abt u. your awesome :) and sean I'm happy for you and Emily because she doesn't care about your looks, she likes you for who you are and I wish I could have someone like tht for me :/

Andra She'll be out there soon enough. You can't force it or it wont happen. She comes out of the blue when you least expect it. And when she's there, you'll know, and you'll make a move, and she will except you for you.

Sean  Wait what's that suppose to mean? Jk just keep trying dude I was legit gonna quit until emily came around man just don't Fuck around when do get ur next one

Andra That was harsh, but true. I fucked up my last two relationships and now I'm trying my best in this one. But you'll get there when you get there.

Sean Its not harsh im just saying if u really want to keep her don't mess around let her know u wanna keep her :D

Andra  Exactly. That's why I fucked up the last time. He didn't tell me I was special to him so I grew apart from him. Now this one tells me at least once an hour and let me tell you- I admit- I would have no problem spending forever with him. It's all in the words and commitment.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX end convo XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Now I hadn't admitted that I wanted to spend forever with him because, as you know, I said it to the last few guys and I ended up in bad places with them and getting my heart beaten.

Alex saw this conversation.
Here is the one between us-

[8:09:14 PM] Andra Deanna: GOD ALL THESE PEOPLE COMING TO ME
[8:09:20 PM] Andra Deanna: I FEEL AWESOME

[8:09:37 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: lol

[8:10:08 PM] Andra Deanna: It's like I matter to people and shit! :D

[8:10:26 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: You do matter, to me. A lot.

[8:12:06 PM] Andra Deanna: I know you do. And if you read the last thing I wrote on facebook on someone's profile, you would know I know.

[8:14:15 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Awe hehe

[8:14:37 PM] Andra Deanna: Please tell me you didn't see it...

[8:14:44 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I did.

[8:14:49 PM] Andra Deanna: FUCK.

[8:14:53 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: What?

[8:14:56 PM] Andra Deanna: OH
[8:15:01 PM] Andra Deanna: You saw MY status??
[8:15:06 PM] Andra Deanna: That's not what I meant.

[8:15:19 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I saw what your wrote on Andre's status

[8:15:22 PM] Andra Deanna: FUCK FUCK FUCK
[8:15:24 PM] Andra Deanna: -_-

[8:15:26 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: xD
[8:15:29 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Win

[8:15:34 PM] Andra Deanna: :(

[8:15:37 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: WHAT?!

[8:15:53 PM] Andra Deanna: That wasn't suposed to be known...

[8:15:58 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: WHY?

[8:16:01 PM] Andra Deanna: I'm all embarassed now...

[8:16:08 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: You are so in love.

[8:16:37 PM] Andra Deanna: I know...
[8:16:42 PM] Andra Deanna: I just - eh.

[8:16:46 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Just what?

[8:16:55 PM] Andra Deanna: Nothing.

[8:17:03 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Ok ok.

[8:17:23 PM] Andra Deanna: I'm all mad at myself now.

[8:17:39 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Why?

[8:17:53 PM] Andra Deanna: I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again...

[8:17:59 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: What happen...

[8:18:19 PM] Andra Deanna: I fall in love with someone like this.
[8:18:20 PM] Andra Deanna: Like
[8:18:25 PM] Andra Deanna: I would
[8:18:33 PM] Andra Deanna: but I didn't want to express it
[8:18:38 PM] Andra Deanna: -_-

[8:18:49 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Why?

[8:18:59 PM] Andra Deanna: Because I did with every other guy
[8:19:10 PM] Andra Deanna: and then it all fell apart
[8:19:32 PM] Andra Deanna: I've built too many futures and seen all of them crash and burn.

[8:19:46 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Because you express that you love me, you think I'll leave you?

[8:19:55 PM] Andra Deanna: No.
[8:19:58 PM] Andra Deanna: Just...
[8:20:04 PM] Andra Deanna: not THAT part.
[8:20:15 PM] Andra Deanna: Nevermind...

[8:20:17 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: ...well...idk...I feel all sad

[8:20:20 PM] Andra Deanna: Why?

[8:20:57 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Just...idk...I feel like this means something bad.

[8:21:08 PM] Andra Deanna: It doesn't.
[8:22:47 PM] Andra Deanna: I'm not going to let this fall apart. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I want to hold onto that for as long as I can. I would do anything to have you for a long long long time and because of that-I wont let us grow apart. You mean too much to me.

[8:24:01 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I love you babe.

[8:25:11 PM] Andra Deanna: I love you too. Don't ever doubt that. I really really REALLY do speak from the bottom of my heart when I say all of this.

[8:25:47 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I mean it too babe. I never doubted it.

[8:26:59 PM] Andra Deanna: And I wont fuck this up. I don't want to. Like I said, Anthony never made me feel special so I grew apart from him. He didn't give me what I needed. And you do just that.

[8:27:10 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Awe thanks love.

[8:27:48 PM] Andra Deanna: I don't care if you think I will find someone better than you, because in my eyes, there is no one better. I feel for you for a reason. And it's only proven correct.

[8:28:20 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Awe babe...

[8:30:04 PM] Andra Deanna: I may not express my feelings deeper than "I love you" often, but when I do, you know it's true. I feel like I have so much more to say to you, but I just can't formulate the words into sentances that fit these emotions proparly. If there was a stronger sentance than "I love you" I would say it.

[8:30:33 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I would too babe, but there really isn't.

[8:30:57 PM] Andra Deanna: So long story short...The feelings ARE mutual. I'm just afraid to say it.

[8:31:09 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Ok ok. Haha.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXend convoXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So long story short, It's happening again. But it feels different this time...But as a defence mecanism, my mind is telling me not to fall again...or at least let him know I'm falling again. It's not a secret anymore, but I can pretend it is...

I'm having issues again...

but good ones, as far as issues come.

I went to a wedding today.

My grandmother's wedding. You could tell that they loved each other.




But what got me most of all was seeing my great-grandmother talk about her dead husband. They were married for 54 years and by the stories I've heard, they were both very very in love with each other. Like classic love story in love.


He ran a bar and he let her play the piano there even though she was under aged. She had a huge crush on him and soon that feeling became mutual. They got married and had two or three children who went on to have kids who went on to have kids.

And from what I've heard, they were in the deepest form of love. My father told me that they didn't have to speak-he just put his hand on her shoulder and that would be enough to show how much they loved each other.

And at the wedding today, she was telling me how he was always her greatest audience. He would stay up all night and listen to her play while he read. She started to well up and that's when she confirmed my father's story.

"When you're really in love, you will know because you wont even have to speak to each other."
and then I understood.
"Like a spiritual conversation." I replied.

So I guess there are different forms of love, but there is only one PURE love. And that love is the kind you know is right. And you will want to hold onto that forever.

I don't know much about love...

But I've been in love 4 times now, and each time, it's been different.
The first time was disgusting. I was desperately clinging to him because I didn't know what a real relationship was. I needed stability in my unstable world. I felt like I would die without him and so I clung to him for a year even when he pushed me away. But we named our future children and he promised to marry me. Of course he never followed through with that and he left me for someone else out of the blue. That was when I went through my first REAL heartbreak. 9 months of denial and writing letters to him in my journal. Then I finally moved on...

The second time it was puppy love that I forced myself to be in because others said I shouldn't. I was co-dependant on him and let my friends and family grow apart from me because of it. I ruined my entire life, but gained valuable boyfriend/girlfriend relationship skills from it. I was stuck in an unhealthy relationship with a guy who really didn't care all that much about me. He gave 10% while I gave 110%. But he proposed to me and of course, I said yes. We named our future children and I promised him I would save him from the world. A good year and a half with him and f course, we broke up. I moved right on to the next boy who I thought could give me the world the others couldn't.

The third time. He could have given me a bright and false world, but I'm a romantic, so that didn't work out. In other words, I made myself love him because my parents and family said I should. He was rich and had his head on straight. But he was also pompous and arrogant. Caused fights whenever he could. I cheated on him with the second because I was dis-satisfied. I cried because I missed the second because I couldn't get over him. I changed myself for him and in turn, made my entire life a lie to myself. But much like the rest, we named our future children and planned to get married. It lasted 4 months before I HAD to stop it.

And the fourth. He loves me for me. Even though everyone (including myself) told him it wouldn't be a good idea to date me, he made it his mission to pursue me. He tells me that he doesn't want to think of the past or future, but I know that he wants what the others want. I love him for him. I've never been more content. I'm not completely co-dependant and I have developed a sense of self. I've made positive changes that I will remember forever in my life because of him. We haven't talked about a future together, but for some reason, this feels real. Unlike the others, I don't see the ending. I never find myself asking why I'm with him or if this is right.

You know the feeling you get when you know something is wrong- Do you ever get the feeling that something is RIGHT? Because that's what I have.

Is love always different or is it just me?

Have I grown more independent because of these relationships? And does that make me less sensitive?

Does it seem a bit odd that the one person I haven't planned a "forever" with is the best relationship I've ever had?

Or is this just love in general?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqpWWMIsar8