As you know, I have not admitted that I want to spend forever with Alex.

But today he asked me how long he saw us being together. I was shocked and replied with "I don't know. I can't tell the future". He continued this for quite some time which leads me to believe he wants to be with me forever.

Now keep that in mind as I tell you something related.

I've been trying to help people with their problems because it makes me feel better about myself when I know I have made a positive difference. Now, this is the conversation my friend Sean and I had with our friend, Andre' over facebook-

Andre'
I wish their were girls who could judge a man for how he is, not how he looks...But I guess that's never going to happen...:/ not feeling good :(

Sean It can happen man just need to look for her 

Andra They are rare, but I could gladly say I'm one, so they are out there.

Sean  And she is one

Andre' See sean there are people out there, and yes I know you are one Andra thats what i like abt u. your awesome :) and sean I'm happy for you and Emily because she doesn't care about your looks, she likes you for who you are and I wish I could have someone like tht for me :/

Andra She'll be out there soon enough. You can't force it or it wont happen. She comes out of the blue when you least expect it. And when she's there, you'll know, and you'll make a move, and she will except you for you.

Sean  Wait what's that suppose to mean? Jk just keep trying dude I was legit gonna quit until emily came around man just don't Fuck around when do get ur next one

Andra That was harsh, but true. I fucked up my last two relationships and now I'm trying my best in this one. But you'll get there when you get there.

Sean Its not harsh im just saying if u really want to keep her don't mess around let her know u wanna keep her :D

Andra  Exactly. That's why I fucked up the last time. He didn't tell me I was special to him so I grew apart from him. Now this one tells me at least once an hour and let me tell you- I admit- I would have no problem spending forever with him. It's all in the words and commitment.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX end convo XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Now I hadn't admitted that I wanted to spend forever with him because, as you know, I said it to the last few guys and I ended up in bad places with them and getting my heart beaten.

Alex saw this conversation.
Here is the one between us-

[8:09:14 PM] Andra Deanna: GOD ALL THESE PEOPLE COMING TO ME
[8:09:20 PM] Andra Deanna: I FEEL AWESOME

[8:09:37 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: lol

[8:10:08 PM] Andra Deanna: It's like I matter to people and shit! :D

[8:10:26 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: You do matter, to me. A lot.

[8:12:06 PM] Andra Deanna: I know you do. And if you read the last thing I wrote on facebook on someone's profile, you would know I know.

[8:14:15 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Awe hehe

[8:14:37 PM] Andra Deanna: Please tell me you didn't see it...

[8:14:44 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I did.

[8:14:49 PM] Andra Deanna: FUCK.

[8:14:53 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: What?

[8:14:56 PM] Andra Deanna: OH
[8:15:01 PM] Andra Deanna: You saw MY status??
[8:15:06 PM] Andra Deanna: That's not what I meant.

[8:15:19 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I saw what your wrote on Andre's status

[8:15:22 PM] Andra Deanna: FUCK FUCK FUCK
[8:15:24 PM] Andra Deanna: -_-

[8:15:26 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: xD
[8:15:29 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Win

[8:15:34 PM] Andra Deanna: :(

[8:15:37 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: WHAT?!

[8:15:53 PM] Andra Deanna: That wasn't suposed to be known...

[8:15:58 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: WHY?

[8:16:01 PM] Andra Deanna: I'm all embarassed now...

[8:16:08 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: You are so in love.

[8:16:37 PM] Andra Deanna: I know...
[8:16:42 PM] Andra Deanna: I just - eh.

[8:16:46 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Just what?

[8:16:55 PM] Andra Deanna: Nothing.

[8:17:03 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Ok ok.

[8:17:23 PM] Andra Deanna: I'm all mad at myself now.

[8:17:39 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Why?

[8:17:53 PM] Andra Deanna: I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again...

[8:17:59 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: What happen...

[8:18:19 PM] Andra Deanna: I fall in love with someone like this.
[8:18:20 PM] Andra Deanna: Like
[8:18:25 PM] Andra Deanna: I would
[8:18:33 PM] Andra Deanna: but I didn't want to express it
[8:18:38 PM] Andra Deanna: -_-

[8:18:49 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Why?

[8:18:59 PM] Andra Deanna: Because I did with every other guy
[8:19:10 PM] Andra Deanna: and then it all fell apart
[8:19:32 PM] Andra Deanna: I've built too many futures and seen all of them crash and burn.

[8:19:46 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Because you express that you love me, you think I'll leave you?

[8:19:55 PM] Andra Deanna: No.
[8:19:58 PM] Andra Deanna: Just...
[8:20:04 PM] Andra Deanna: not THAT part.
[8:20:15 PM] Andra Deanna: Nevermind...

[8:20:17 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: ...well...idk...I feel all sad

[8:20:20 PM] Andra Deanna: Why?

[8:20:57 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Just...idk...I feel like this means something bad.

[8:21:08 PM] Andra Deanna: It doesn't.
[8:22:47 PM] Andra Deanna: I'm not going to let this fall apart. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I want to hold onto that for as long as I can. I would do anything to have you for a long long long time and because of that-I wont let us grow apart. You mean too much to me.

[8:24:01 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I love you babe.

[8:25:11 PM] Andra Deanna: I love you too. Don't ever doubt that. I really really REALLY do speak from the bottom of my heart when I say all of this.

[8:25:47 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I mean it too babe. I never doubted it.

[8:26:59 PM] Andra Deanna: And I wont fuck this up. I don't want to. Like I said, Anthony never made me feel special so I grew apart from him. He didn't give me what I needed. And you do just that.

[8:27:10 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Awe thanks love.

[8:27:48 PM] Andra Deanna: I don't care if you think I will find someone better than you, because in my eyes, there is no one better. I feel for you for a reason. And it's only proven correct.

[8:28:20 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Awe babe...

[8:30:04 PM] Andra Deanna: I may not express my feelings deeper than "I love you" often, but when I do, you know it's true. I feel like I have so much more to say to you, but I just can't formulate the words into sentances that fit these emotions proparly. If there was a stronger sentance than "I love you" I would say it.

[8:30:33 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: I would too babe, but there really isn't.

[8:30:57 PM] Andra Deanna: So long story short...The feelings ARE mutual. I'm just afraid to say it.

[8:31:09 PM] Alex Bicki[Keyboard Warrior]: Ok ok. Haha.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXend convoXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So long story short, It's happening again. But it feels different this time...But as a defence mecanism, my mind is telling me not to fall again...or at least let him know I'm falling again. It's not a secret anymore, but I can pretend it is...

I'm having issues again...

but good ones, as far as issues come.